5:30 am
I slept poorly, my mind going over details and mulling over the conversation I had with our agency the night before. I had literally begged them to get Yelena moving on our paperwork, I wondered if anything was being done. Bottom line is, we did not pay enough for adopting close to Kyiv, everyone wanted more for fees, and our adoption fees are not covering everything, and that is a point of contention here. So from this point forward, families will be charged by region. I could not sleep so I read the adoption agreement again……it was one of the few things I have to read, and I think I am memorizing it. :o(
After my talking about wanting Kara here with me, it was mentioned that some orphanage directors will not release the child without the new birth certificate. It is unknown to me if that is the case with ours, but I don't have Kara's because Yelena has been busy, and since she is helping us out of the goodness of her heart, I simply cannot ask her to rush. I understand her need to do her things too, but I am so frustrated, it is not supposed to go this way. A facilitator is supposed to expedite the process, not delay it. (sigh)
I have tried to call my family for 30 minutes, I can't get through to them.
7:30 finally got through a little after 6
Tom and I discussed some issues about our fees and my running out of money here.
I literally begged people to donate towards our adoption and people who said they could help did not do it, one in particular had promised to help A LOT and would not answer phone calls when the time came, I was flabbergasted, it was one of my doctors, and he could have said he could not help any longer, but to avoid me? ( 2008 I have not been back to him, I can't reconcile the broken promise, I am tyring to forgive him, but feel that the broken promise shows his true character). So money we counted on did not come, and we came here with just enough money to make it through with the costs we were quoted, and in the end, we needed $3,000 more. Thank God we got the grant, or we would really be hurting right now.
Tom said he called our agency, they discussed the issues we were having, nothing was resolved. At least he got to say what he was thinking and how we were feeling about everything. (2008 this is not what I wrote, but I cannot share that due to confidentiality)
I am grateful to Yelena for what she has done, but I think in Ukraine gratitude can only be expressed in monetary terms, and I still have embassy fees, doctor visit, and my resort for 10 more days ( 2008 It was 14 more days) and Kara’s ticket home to pay for. I will not have a lot left to “express” my gratitude in that manner. This is all I want to say about this, it is depressing.
Personally, I wake up every day with a sore throat and a headache. I know I am allergic to the feather pillows they have here, and I am not sure how to get a different kind or if they even have them. All I know is, 10 more days of this and I will be very ill. ( 2008--I kept saying 10 more days because my flight out was scheduled for December 16th, I figured it was enough time for everything to be completed, 5 weeks seemed the average, but I was wrong)
Weather here is colder, but the rain we had for two days has washed away most of the snow we had the two days before that. The air is cold enough to make you wish you had a nose mitten, how do folks keep their noses warm here I wonder? I wonder what the weather will be like today? Not like I can turn on the TV and see.
10:00 getting ready for my morning visit to see Kara
Well, as boring as my life is currently; my little routines make it bearable. I took my shower, got dressed and went to breakfast. A welcome change from most of the week, they served cooked cabbage, mashed potatoes and a quiche with ham; and some what seems like English muffins smothered in Kefir. Of course they had the slice of cheese and the stale bread on the table too. I had two glasses of tea. I can’t eat all of the food they provide, and I have stopped trying because I want to lose 10 pounds like Tom did, he weight that much less once home, but he did not like the food, and I do, LOL.
It is already 10:00 and I have had no word from Yelena, and I would bet I won’t until she takes her friends to the airport. I do not know if she has done anything to get the birth certificate. All I can do is wait, and pray.
It is another misty morning; everything looks surreal on mornings like this. One of my favorite pastimes is watching the people emerge from the fog with their fuzzy hats on and their habitual frowns. Lately I have been amusing myself by smiling at them and nodding hello. It is almost always met with a frown of disapproval before they purposefully look away. I am getting used to it, but I always hope someone will say hello. Older women often do, men however, DO NOT. Maybe I am not supposed to say hello to a man; faux pas? Who knows; though I am sure I am breaking a lot of social rules without realizing it.
My family is asleep back at home, and I hope Tom is sleeping well, he is still recovering from jet lag; maybe this weekend will help him? He said he was met with a house full of dirty laundry, things were picked up, but not clean, and he has been cleaning. Which means everything will be dirtier than I like, and I will need to clean when I get home. He had to fix Julia’s roof, which sprung a leak while we were gone, turn on the furnace, get a new tire for my van, and find people to watch Meghan while he is at work. So far Eric, Fred, and Kathy G have taken care of her, I thought I would be home in time to watch her next week, but as I said before, that will not be happening now. Of course I am still sad about missing her 7th birthday, I hope she will not be too upset, I am not even sure if she misses me at all, but I know I miss her.
Said prayers this morning that everything would work itself out with the paperwork and passport, and I asked for patience, which usually means I am given a way to learn it, which may be why things happen the way they do. Ah oh!!
Off to exchange money for the next weeks stay and to visit my sweetie.
1:00 PM
Doesn’t she look sad?Poor baby, so miserable today
Karina is sick; her snuffly nose has turned into a stuffy nose and malaise. She really was too tired to do much and reverted to her behaviors she exhibited the first day we were there.
She crawled to the TV and rocked herself; she crawled to the shelves and played in front of her favorite one. She pulled my hair, and all in all just pushed me away.
She finally came around after about 30 minutes and played and laughed for maybe 15 minutes then lay her head on the chair and began to suck her thumb. I tried to comfort her, but again she pushed me away.
So I picked her up and rocked her. She settled and fell asleep in my arms and I sat town to hold her as she slept. To feel the weight of her in my arms, feel her warmth next to mine, it was such a special time for me, Kara is not certain she trusts me completely, though she does know who I am now, and seems happy to see me. I relished our quiet time together, no caregivers lurking, no noisy kids around. Sadly I knew she would be woken up to eat, as it was close to noon. I was right; they took her at 12:10 and were trying to get her up so she could eat as they carried her to her room. Sometimes it is better to let sick kids eat when they are ready, poor baby needs to sleep.While I was sitting there Alex called. He said Yelena was busy working on the birth certificate and I would likely not see her today. Today was the day she said we could get Kara, I asked him and he said today or tomorrow, and thanked me for my patience. The thing is, I am sadly running out of patience, I should have been able to pick up Kara 4 days ago, and I am still waiting, it is so hard to leave her at the orphanage everyday, heart wrenching. I felt tears spring to my eyes as he said tomorrow….it hung in the air, suspended for a moment, then faded away with my hopes of getting Karina here with me today. Perhaps it is just as well she stays where she is, we are both ill.
So I left the orphanage fighting back tears of anger, sadness, fatigue, and I admit I was having a pity party. Poor me, stuck here, missing so many family functions, hating that I can’t talk to a soul, and still I do not have my daughter. Tears ran unbidden down my cold cheeks; not for the first time since arriving here, and I wondered why I believed this trip would be about the joy of adding to my family. There is happiness; but it is mingled with irritation and some impatience, and I keep thinking that I will look back to the experience someday and cherish all the good and forget the numerous challenges, at least I hope so. Tom and I talked about the many bumps in the road and how many curves and u-turns we had to take to get to Ukraine, we both feel that long straight roads, mile after mile, are boring; it is the bumps and curves that make the trip more interesting, more memorable...
5:30 pm
I fell asleep for most of the afternoon, I was just exhausted in every way a person can be, but the sleep did help, so I am glad I skipped lunch, though I am starving. I do have that nap hangover from sleeping too long, and now I worry I will not sleep tonight. Oh well, I still feel exhausted, so maybe that will not be an issue. This cold-allergy attack is wearing me out, as is the stress I feel about everything right now.
I awakened to the sound of the phone ringing; I knew it had to be someone here, as no one calls in the middle of the afternoon from America. It was Yelena; she wanted to let me know that we need to go tomorrow for the new birth certificate. Music to my ears, oh, what a relief! Things are moving forward again.
I awakened to the sound of the phone ringing; I knew it had to be someone here, as no one calls in the middle of the afternoon from America. It was Yelena; she wanted to let me know that we need to go tomorrow for the new birth certificate. Music to my ears, oh, what a relief! Things are moving forward again.
She said we need the medical report from the doctor first, and asked me to walk to the orphanage to get it. So I hurriedly fixed my eye makeup because I had cried some of it off, and I walked there quickly, almost running, I knew the doctor left at 4:30 most days, I did not think she was still there, but I hoped she was. When I got there I saw that the doctor had already left; gosh, another delay, I wish I knew this morning that I needed her report. I called Yelena and told her and then found an orphanage worker to give the phone to. I am hoping she relayed the message about the medical report we need to the doctor.
I had not intended on visiting Karina tonight, I thought it would be better for her to rest in her bed for the rest of the day day; however they brought her out to me because of course I could not tell them not to, I am so frustrated that I can’t communicate with them well enough to have a conversation. Kara was cranky and crying when I came, and they wanted me to wipe her nose which made her even madder. I calmed her down while being glared at, I was perplexed, WHY were the caregivers glaring at me? The energy coming form them was so vile it made me physically ill. What ever was wrong?
I had to leave the orphanage at 5:00, I could not handle the negative energy coming off of the caregivers today, the head woman at night brings out the worst in people, and her laziness is contagious. There was a baby crying hysterically in the baby room and it was getting to me, all of the caregivers were sitting around laughing, talking, and watching TV, and that baby so unhappy, I could not fathom why they did not attend to his/her needs, they were not doing anything. I don’t think I can take another day at the orphanage, it breaks my heart to witness needless neglect, I walked back to the room pondering RAD and thinking, it is a wonder more kids adopted from Ukraine do not have it.
Something I find interesting is the way the ladies behave if Karina wants to go to them when I leave. They get this wild look of triumph like they have won because she went to them. For heaven sakes, I am a someone new in her life, and she often sees me for 3-4 hours a day, they are the only family she knows, why wouldn’t she want to be with people who can speak a language she understands and are familiar to her? I find the attitude puzzling and sometimes it makes angers me. I get the sense they think they are better for her than I, and THAT I can’t agree with. They are her life now, so she is comfortable there, but they are in no way better for my daughter than I and my family will be. In a year she will be in an institution, how in the world is that better?
A sweet older caregiver always looks surprised when Kara goes to her instead of me, I love her for it, she is a dear woman and she makes me feel welcome there. She was trying to tell me something today in Russian and she kept repeating it, but of course I did not know what she meant. She was holding Karina’s cheeks and pointing to her thumbs, I don’t know if she was saying Kara should not suck her thumb or that sucking her thumb made her cheeks red? Maybe she was telling me not to kiss her? I could invent a hundred reasons she felt she needed to tell me what she was telling me, but the truth is, I just do not know. Our agency asked me why I did not know the caregivers names, and the simple answer is, they will not tell me. I asked them Kak Va Zavut, and they just looked at me, after many attempts I gave up, if they do not wish to share their names with me, then I have to accept it. They call me Karina's Mama and did not want to know my name either, I tried "Mien ya zavut", many times, blank stares :o(. Most likely I have done something to upset them unknowingly, there is no one around to guide me and help me interact with them, so I probably do many things wrong.
I had not intended on visiting Karina tonight, I thought it would be better for her to rest in her bed for the rest of the day day; however they brought her out to me because of course I could not tell them not to, I am so frustrated that I can’t communicate with them well enough to have a conversation. Kara was cranky and crying when I came, and they wanted me to wipe her nose which made her even madder. I calmed her down while being glared at, I was perplexed, WHY were the caregivers glaring at me? The energy coming form them was so vile it made me physically ill. What ever was wrong?
I had to leave the orphanage at 5:00, I could not handle the negative energy coming off of the caregivers today, the head woman at night brings out the worst in people, and her laziness is contagious. There was a baby crying hysterically in the baby room and it was getting to me, all of the caregivers were sitting around laughing, talking, and watching TV, and that baby so unhappy, I could not fathom why they did not attend to his/her needs, they were not doing anything. I don’t think I can take another day at the orphanage, it breaks my heart to witness needless neglect, I walked back to the room pondering RAD and thinking, it is a wonder more kids adopted from Ukraine do not have it.
Something I find interesting is the way the ladies behave if Karina wants to go to them when I leave. They get this wild look of triumph like they have won because she went to them. For heaven sakes, I am a someone new in her life, and she often sees me for 3-4 hours a day, they are the only family she knows, why wouldn’t she want to be with people who can speak a language she understands and are familiar to her? I find the attitude puzzling and sometimes it makes angers me. I get the sense they think they are better for her than I, and THAT I can’t agree with. They are her life now, so she is comfortable there, but they are in no way better for my daughter than I and my family will be. In a year she will be in an institution, how in the world is that better?
A sweet older caregiver always looks surprised when Kara goes to her instead of me, I love her for it, she is a dear woman and she makes me feel welcome there. She was trying to tell me something today in Russian and she kept repeating it, but of course I did not know what she meant. She was holding Karina’s cheeks and pointing to her thumbs, I don’t know if she was saying Kara should not suck her thumb or that sucking her thumb made her cheeks red? Maybe she was telling me not to kiss her? I could invent a hundred reasons she felt she needed to tell me what she was telling me, but the truth is, I just do not know. Our agency asked me why I did not know the caregivers names, and the simple answer is, they will not tell me. I asked them Kak Va Zavut, and they just looked at me, after many attempts I gave up, if they do not wish to share their names with me, then I have to accept it. They call me Karina's Mama and did not want to know my name either, I tried "Mien ya zavut", many times, blank stares :o(. Most likely I have done something to upset them unknowingly, there is no one around to guide me and help me interact with them, so I probably do many things wrong.
I am relieved that things are finally moving forward for us; tomorrow we are supposed to go to the orphanage to get the medical report for translation. Yelena said that after we get the birth certificate, we may need to go to the passport office as well. They need to check our documents and make sure everything is in order before we can submit paperwork for the passport. They also require a sizable fee to expedite it, otherwise it could be another 10 days before I can get Kara's visa, and that puts us at December 25th to get the visa, this will not be possible because the embassy closes for the holidays, and I will not going to go home until January if the passport is not expedited. The fee they asked for was an absurd amount of money, shocking really. (sigh)
Finally, after all of this is completed, we are supposed to get Karina. I was told that the paper chase will be more difficult with her along, so it is best to leave her warm and safe in the orphanage and not in a speeding car in insane traffic.
My will, my wishes, have nothing to do with the reality of the matter, Kara will be released to me when Vorzel-the director, Yelena- who knows?? decide it is time to release her, and all I can do is try to be patient.
7:45 pm
I am still exhausted, falling asleep playing Spider solitaire and listening to Gloria Estefan’s greatest hits. I can’t decide if I am sick or just tired. I certainly do not feel well.
Dinner was grains and roast beef (a 2 inch square of meat is all you really ever get) one deviled egg, a pickle wedge, some unknown orange paste, kefir, a sweet dinner roll and tea. I ate all of it except the paste, it was nauseating to me. None of the teenagers said anything to me tonight; I think the adults told them to knock it off.
I met a man on the way back from the orphanage who was admonishing me for walking with my head down. I have no idea what he said to me, but he mimicked me and walked and lifted his chin and put his shoulders back and pointed to me. I guess I really looked despondent if someone here noticed. To be truthful I probably was a pathetic sight, I was so unhappy and this solitude is getting to me. I have tried to keep my chin up, but I am discouraged, I thought I would be coming home this weekend, and now it looks like I will be coming home on the 16th, just as I had originally believed. 9 more days here, and I have no choice because I cannot afford $80-100 a night for a hotel in Kiev, still need to pay for “fees” the Visa and medical exam for Kara. This is the only place I can be.
Dinner was grains and roast beef (a 2 inch square of meat is all you really ever get) one deviled egg, a pickle wedge, some unknown orange paste, kefir, a sweet dinner roll and tea. I ate all of it except the paste, it was nauseating to me. None of the teenagers said anything to me tonight; I think the adults told them to knock it off.
I met a man on the way back from the orphanage who was admonishing me for walking with my head down. I have no idea what he said to me, but he mimicked me and walked and lifted his chin and put his shoulders back and pointed to me. I guess I really looked despondent if someone here noticed. To be truthful I probably was a pathetic sight, I was so unhappy and this solitude is getting to me. I have tried to keep my chin up, but I am discouraged, I thought I would be coming home this weekend, and now it looks like I will be coming home on the 16th, just as I had originally believed. 9 more days here, and I have no choice because I cannot afford $80-100 a night for a hotel in Kiev, still need to pay for “fees” the Visa and medical exam for Kara. This is the only place I can be.
Note to all who want to adopt, make sure you arrange a good apartment at a good price; so far we have paid over $1,600 for our rooms, I pay another $270 tomorrow because I am paying for 10 days. I think people need to know it is a major expense too. We got a good deal here too, everywhere else was over $80 plus a night, and this place includes food. Though it excludes a TV, internet, access to shopping centers that actually gift items to take home. I thought I could buy some stacking dolls while here, but so far other than those 4 days in Kyiv, I have not seen any.
