Some new pictures-approaching our Gotcha Day anniversary!

Eating her blueberry walnut gluten free pancakes. She makes me laugh, she gets so mad when the food falls off the fork, she is a perfectionist! When we brought her home she put her hands behind her back and did not know how to chew solid foods, now look at her, she has come a long way!

She managed to get her piggie tail out in less than 10 minutes. Her hair is just awful, it gets so tangled, even with spray on conditioner.I try to put it in ponytails and she tugs on them until they come out, then walks around later on looking like a Rastafarian.

Today, 2 years ago, Tom and Meghan returned home from Ukraine, I was there alone for another 3 weeks without them. Seems so incredible that two years have gone by since then. I can vividly recall that walk to the dining hall, walking with my head down to find the patches of ground not covered in ice, the cold breeze on my face. Walking into the dining hall alone for the first time and seeing three place settings for us on the table and suddenly feeling very sad. The servers were wondering where Tom and Meghan had gone, asking me questions, I tried in my very bad Russian to tell them they went home to America. They did not understand me at all.

They served fried eggs that morning and when I saw them tears began to escape from my eyes; Tom longed for eggs the entire time we were there and the day he could not enjoy them, they served them. More than anything I was sad that I would have no one to talk to during the long days and nights. I did not feel very brave or strong that morning.

However, I could not wait to visit sweet Kara. I was reading through my adoption journal today and found this entry below: She lay with her head on my shoulder and her thumb in her mouth and I rocked her to sleep, she began to snore, and I lay my cheek on her soft hair and listened to her breath. My baby, my new daughter, thank you God, I have a new daughter. I did not want to put her down, but I knew I needed to leave, it was noon. So reluctantly I gave her to the staff and I left with tears in my eyes again. Sad and disappointed that once more I had to walk away from the orphanage without her."

That was written after our 10 day wait was over, each day I awoke thinking it would be the day she would leave the orphanage forever and each day there was another reason why she had to stay there.

Kara has changed in so many ways, just seeing her little face from two years ago, her little body, hips so tiny her pants, even leggings, slid off of her, her ribs sticking out. She was well cared for, in a good orphanage with good and plentiful food, but it was not a home with a mommy and daddy. Children need that contact, love and one on one affection to grow well.

I sent a picture of Kara with another family adopting from Vorzel (thank you Frank and Renee), wishing I could send the letter that was translated, but it was 8 months old and did not apply to who Kara is now. I want to tell her grandmother; she is loved here too. I will never forget seeing Kara's grandmother crying in the arms of the caregivers. It had to be so hard to let Kara go knowing she would never see her again. I wish she would have spoken to us, to me, so many PAP's have met the family of the children they adopted.

So many days I long to return to Vorzel, to see those familiar roads and to let Kara see them too, will she remember anything about her life there? I do not think so, since she was barely 3 when we brought her home. I would like to think she has some memories of her life before she came home with us, but how many of us remember anything about our first 3 years if our lives? I have pictures, and when she is older and wants to know, we can look at them together.

Our adoption anniversary approaches

Walking to the internet cafe in Kyiv, November 10, 2007

Two years ago we were waiting in Kyiv for news about where we would be staying, we knew we were going to Vorzel, but had no idea where that was. We were excited about meeting Kara, but so sad about losing the angel we came to Ukraine to adopt. While Tom and Meghan slept off jet lag, I wandered about the apartment holding Eva's picture and simultaneously praying that she would be OK and crying in pain and sorrow. Feeling terrible because I knew our doubts had contributed to us losing her. I did revisit our adoption last year, if you go to the November-December posts from 2008, you can read everything.

Adoption is a wonderful gift to the parents and children, but it is also full of stress, sometimes grief, and it teaches us, sometimes brutally, that nothing is certain until you are on that plane with your new child. From losing the little girl we first committed to adopting, to losing our second would be daughter in Ukraine, there is such heartache for some of us.

I know the first daughter of our hearts is loved by her new family, I know nothing else about her, the family made their blog private long ago. They suffered their own terrible losses before deciding to adopt, and I pray the family is finally happy and little Sanna is healthy.

I did not know when the SDA pulled our referral for Eva that she would get her family just a couple of months later, nor that they would be the perfect family for her. I will be forever grateful that circumstances led them to her, though they suffered heartbreak during their own adoption journey. It all seems so long ago, and we have moved past the pain for the most part, but this time of the year renews it a bit, as anniversaries of traumatic times often do.

Thankfully adoptions are seamless for most forever families, or as much as they can be, but for some of us, the road to bringing our children home is bumpy, winding, with blind turns and many forks in the road. Where there is grief and pain along the way, there is also tremendous joy and fulfillment when in the end you bring your new child home with you.



How is Kara today? She is a stinker, into everything, toddling around in her wide-stanced way, playing with dollies, loving to watch Disney movies, fond of thumb sucking and hugs. Nothing makes her happier than rough-housing with her brothers. She is not talking yet, but her communication device will help her get her thoughts and needs across. She loves playing with Meghan and pushing Amanda around. She is at her tyrannical three's stage, it seemingly lasts forever with kids who have that extra special chromosome, so we may have a few years of pouting, whining and temper tantrums. They are few and far between thank goodness. Most of the time she is giggling, playing and happy, very happy. Were she not home with us, she would be in the institution now, and who knows how long she would have had there.

I will never lose the wonder I feel that we get to be her parents, we love and cherish her dearly.