2007 Adoption revisted-December 9th and 10th GOTCHA DAY

Vorzel December 9, 2007
Day 32 in Ukraine

Interesting to me that the snow is all but gone now, but there is quite a chill in the air though, and the sky looks like the snow may be coming back soon. I do desperately miss blue skies, since I have been here, there have only been two days when I could see patches of sky. Back home we rarely have cloud cover, Ukraine, in winter at least, is the exact opposite of my part of Arizona.

The day has finally come, Kara leaving the orphanage with me, to the right, the very kind doctor, and the left, the caregiver who loved Kara so much.

Written December 11, 2007 for December 10th

GOTCHA DAY

Day 33 in Ukraine
1:10 am Happy Birthday my Meghan
Gotcha day for Karina was yesterday. I did not have time to write on the 10th.
Yesterday morning I waited for Yelena to arrive and ate my small breakfast. I could have gone to regular breakfast because she was late. Traffic was bad yet again, but I think we share something else besides birthdays; leaving too late for appointments!

We went to the orphanage first; we needed to get the papers ready to get Karina if all the officials were gone before we got back from getting the social security paper and going to the notary. I know Yelena was also hoping we could get the passport started too.

We went to Irpen and found the social security office, Yelena went in alone, I waited in her car. Later she came out with a paper, and said; “Look what I get Kristina, the social security changed to your name!” It truly was a miracle, and she was pleased as punch about it. Then she said; “Let’s go get your baby” I could hardly believe my ears, I was going to get my Kara. I said I was excited, Yelena was saying her mind was on the next thing we needed to do paperwork wise, but I could be excited if I wanted to be (she was joking).We drove up to the orphanage and Yelena said we needed to get her as fast as possible because we had an appointment in Kiev. So she went to the orphanage doctor to let her know.

They took me and Kara’s clothes to the back where Karina was lying on her back on the slide in the big play area. The caregivers called her name and said what I think was,” Your Mama has come to take you home to Arizona Karina” and I called her, she turned her head to look at us and saw me and crawled over and raised her arms to be lifted out. All the caregivers smiled at her, and at me, and they began to remove her things from her bag while I removed her clothing. I was so excited I forgot to unbutton the top, and they smiled at me. The kind older woman with the dark hair was there, as was one of the blond ladies, the nicer one. We got Karina dressed, I could sense mixed emotions coming form the caregivers, and I knew that they were mourning their loss of Karina while I rejoiced in getting my new daughter. Though I was ecstatic for me, I felt sorrow for them too. I know the dark haired caregiver really loved Karina. She carried her out and we met with Yelena (she was antsy as we HAD to get to our appointment ASAP) She smiled at Kara but said we needed to hurry. She had been asking the doctor what Kara ate and relayed it to me. I had remembered from that first meeting though.

The doctor asked me to send pictures of Karina to let them know how she was, I said yes I would. I asked the doctor and the caregiver if I could get a picture of them and Karina. They held her between them and I snapped this picture.

You can see how happy Karina was, but can also see the sadness in the eyes of the caregiver, and the hope in the doctors. I gave the doctor a hug, she has always been so kind to me, and I wanted to thank her. The caregiver walked us outside and prayed all the way to the car. (Yelena told me this is what she was doing) She prayed that Karina would be safe in her new home and everything would be good in her life. She kissed me on the cheek as I was getting in the car, and she walked back to the baby house with tears in her eyes.

I had tears of happiness in mine as I shut the car door and we drove away. Karina whined a little and started to cry, I held her and said “Harasho Karina, harasho” she quieted down. I know she knew she would not return to her old home.

We drove down the road towards Irpen and Kyiv and Karina looked out the windows. I took off her bulky snow suit; it was 39 degrees yesterday and too hot in the car for it. I took off all of my outerwear too.

A very happy mommy, in heaven holding her baby girl

The trip to Kiev was a blur, I know we talked about things, but I was reveling in holding Kara, and I can’t remember what was said. Yelena left us in the car while she went to get some food, ear drops for her ear, and we waited for the notary appointment. We were parked illegally on the street and tow trucks were taking cars away, I called Yelena to let her know, she said they probably would not bother the baby and me, and they did not. Kara had fallen asleep in my arms on the way to Kyiv.

My sleeping angel baby.

Kara just waking up, she was not certain how what to think about waking up with me and in a car.

She awoke and was curious about all of the people walking around the city, and the traffic. She loved the Abtobus’ as they rumbled by and mimicked they way they sounded. Funny little girl, but she was also very hungry and I knew she had missed lunch at the orphanage; we picked her up at 12:00. I had an apple that Yelena left for me, so I chewed off pieces for her and crushed them and fed them to her, she was still hungry, but the apple was gone.
About 15 minutes later Yelena arrived back, just in time for a return of the tow trucks. Whew, I wondered if they were coming because we were in front of a bank, and the Maserati dealership! It is interesting how they tow the cars away; they put metal boots on each tire and then winch the car up and place it on a flatbed. The poor woman whose car was towed the first time came out and you could see her look of shock, I think a man told her what had happened. She walked quickly down the street. Yelena said all of the cars are put I a special lot, and you of course pay to get them out. Impound lot is what she meant. I must be common, funny, I thought people could park anywhere they wanted in Kiev, guess not.

Seeing things she had never seen before, and not scared at all, what a brave baby.

Yelena went for her appointment with the notary, I changed Karina, she had a messy diaper, it was just a small amount, and I knew she was not done. After a time Yelena returned to the car and told me it was my turn to go in and sign the papers. The pretty gal, Irina I believe, who was helping us was a translator and had facilitated many adoptions herself. She showed me pictures of the kids she helped parents adopt. Macey was one of them; Wendy’s daughter! She seemed surprised that I knew Wendy and Macey. You can tell she is very dedicated to her families and such a sweet gal; she was doing this for free, to help out Yelena, they are good friends.

We got those documents (all of them papers as Yelena says); the last we needed for the passport office; and we headed there. Yelena left us in the car as she went in to see if they would let us turn in the papers today, she came back out and said we had to wait until tomorrow. She seemed exhausted, and she should be, she has been going non-stop for a few weeks. She said to me; “Now you see why we could not get the baby until now?” and I said “seeing is believing” then the phone rang. I could tell she was talking about Kara (Rebeyonak=baby) and me as I heard my name a few times. I also heard her say car and food, and we had eaten in her car, she was upset and tired and had a really bad earache, I am not even certain how she managed with it, but she did. I said I hoped the medicine she used would make it better soon. She is leaving for America on the 16th.

We arrived back at the “resort” and Yelena grabbed all of the bags as I carried Kara in to the building. Yelena was telling the front desk gal I had just adopted Kara, but she seemed nonplussed by it. Yelena had spoken to the doctor who runs this business earlier and thanked him for giving me such a good rate on the room. She said he hoped more American’s adopting from this region would use this facility; it made me happy to know others would be welcome here. I know it is away from many things, but with 3 meals a day and it is close to the orphanage; it is an ideal place for families. Of course most would not be happy with the accommodations, as it is totally no frills.

Kara and I settled into the room, she needed to be changed again, she messed but good this time, and I gave her her first bath away from the orphanage. She whined and was scared; I did not expect her to love it. I dressed her quickly and got her dressed in new clothing, she got poop on the old. She wanted her shoes (tuflees) on, so I did that and I put on Elf for her as she seemed really on edge. She loved watching it, but she kept hitting the keyboard and pausing it. She also fell and smacked her chin on the bed. That made her cry and I held her until she calmed down.

Kara in time out after repeatedly trying to throw the laptop down plus I had to use the "facilities" and could not leave her unattended. She looks bummed huh?

She got out after I took a few pictures, she was not pleased to be in there at all!

She took a long time to settle down and it was past 10 before she climbed onto the other bed and went to sleep. She did not want to be held to go to sleep for the night. I awoke at 12, not feeling well, these feather pillows are killing me, I am finally getting tired again, I took some children’s Benedryl, and I have a runny nose that would not stop. Kara is a light sleeper and tosses and turns a lot. She has already fallen off her bed, and I picked her up and comforted her, she is now sleeping on mine, which means I am going to the first bed I slept on when Tom and Meghan were here.

Kara ready for bed, she fought it (something she continues to do to this day)

Finally asleep, sweet little girl, and yea, it was past 10, our neighbors pounded on the wall...whoops.

Adoption 2007-December 7 and 8

Quote for this post: Aequanimitas!

Be calm and strong and patient. Meet failure and disappointment with courage. Rise superior to the trials of life, and never give in to hopelessness or despair. In danger, in adversity, cling to your principles and ideals.

~ Sir William Osler

December 7 --5:25 pm

I just returned from Kyiv, and no, we did not get Kara today, nor did I get to visit her, I wonder if she is feeling better from her cold?

One month ago today we were on a plane an on our way here. Here I am sitting in my room in Vorzel after a long day with Yelena, we went to get the birth certificate, which was accomplished fairly easily from my point of view, but Yelena had already put 2 days into that before I came with her to pick it up. Then the young gal giving it to her said we needed to get two more stamps on it to make it valid, one was on the other side of Kyiv, then we had to come all the way back for the last one. Now if you have driven though Kyiv, you will understand that going through town is not accomplished easily, traffic is insanely busy, and what should take 30 minutes takes almost 2 hours during heavy times. I would not call it driving actually, but sitting at stop lights for an hour at a time. officially 2.7 million people live here (but adding the folks in surrounding communities, there are 6 million souls who visit daily), and even with their wide roads, there are still too many cars sharing them. I thought Tucson traffic was bad, not any longer, we are such a tiny city compared to Kyiv.

We finally got to the second office to get the first stamp and were told that we needed to come back at 3:00 pm, it was only 12:30, and we needed to get that other stamp after this, oh no! So Yelena and I walked to a mall and got some lunch. I ordered a salad, now when I get a salad at home, it is a huge bed of mixed greens with lots of veggies, in Ukraine, it is iceberg lettuce, tired tomatoes, tiny bits of chicken and that was it. I ordered a Chicken Caesar Salad, but theirs was a little different. I was dying for a nice salad too.

We window shopped and were both shocked at the prices on furniture there. I did get a kick out of the camelback sofa set with gold painted finish complete with wooden crowns affixed to the back. I wished I had my camera to take a picture. I believe the set was 60, 000 hryvnias. Wow, honestly, who would have a set like that in their tiny home here? The sofa would have completely filled my tiny room. There are a lot of things available in Ukraine that are made in China, I don't know why, but I thought it was depressing, I wanted to buy exclusively "Made in Ukraine" items. I did not buy anything from that mall, everything, like malls everywhere, was overpriced.

We walked back to the office to get that stamp at 3:00, but they were not ready for us, so we sat and waited another 45 minutes while a line formed behind us. By the time we left, it was too late to get across town for that third stamp, so we went to the passport office. We went in and they checked our documents and let Yelena know which documents we were missing. I am nervous about the sign I saw on the door of the passport office; it read that they are open on Tuesday and Thursday for just a few hours each day. I am worried about the time frame in getting the Visa in time, I hope the expedition fee I just handed Yelena to get the passport more quickly will help, because we need to get to the embassy by Wednesday to get the Visa by Friday. Otherwise, I miss my flight, and I will not be leaving next week.

Praying everything works out.

Yelena and I had a nice talk and I enjoyed my day away from the monastery, I am figuring out that you want to limit drinking anything while out and about in Kyiv, I was ready to have an accident by the time I got home, finding a public restroom is not easy either, thank goodness I used one at the mall, or I would have been in terrible trouble. Depends anyone?

6:45 pm
I just got off the phone with Tom, and TUSD docked his pay for the time he was gone, he said the office manager did it wrong, she was supposed to take his sick pay first and then his personal days, but they took his personal days and when they ran out, they docked his pay. He also did not get any of the bonuses he was supposed to get this pay check. He said he would not be able to talk to me until tomorrow morning, but no way am I sleeping until I know what s going to happen.

I am praying that everything works out, he is already stressed enough.

I am going to bed early, I am exhausted, had a busy day and I was up at 5:00.

12-08-2007

(12-08-2008- I was not at all certain I would share what transpired on this day on my blog, I went over and over it in my mind and prayed about it, in the end, I feel it is better to keep it honest for Kara and for anyone who may be reading this.

I want to say that even though I was frustrated with the process and the miscommunication that was so prevalent, I was not truly unhappy with my facilitation team, our interchange illustrated a cultural difference in thought processes and some frustration on both ends, but after all, we are all only human, right?

It was more difficult for Tom who could only understand that Kara was still in the orphanage, and that I had called him again crying because I did not have her with me.

Thing to know about me is, I am a very emotional person, I laugh easily and I cry just as easily. I feel everything very deeply and I am also empathic and read body language extremely well (that can be a curse, believe me). I knew Yelena was doing the best she could for us and she was not happy about the delays either, she had to leave for America on the 15 of December and needed to complete our adoption before she left, if you recall, there were no other facilitators available for our adoption, which is why Yelena agreed to help us, it was not a job she had ever done in it's entirety. She learned while doing, and mistakes were inevitable. I know that neither one of us believed it was possible to get Kara and I on the plane to America on the 16 any longer, we still had to much to do. Like getting the passport...

Let me make it clear, I was and I am still very fond of Yelena, I miss hearing her voice and I often wish I could talk to her again, but I have not heard from her at all since she left Ukraine for America with the exception of messages sent via a couple of adoptive parents. My emails to her were returned undeliverable. We develop a bond with people and we want to continue the friendship, but often friendships are situational, and I suppose this was true of ours.)

7:45 AM

I had such a restless nights sleep; I have in hand the adoption decree and want to pick up Karina today, but all night I had dreams of them telling me I could not. I awoke at 12:30 am and could not sleep, so I started the movie over; then I awoke at 3:00 am and started it from the middle, watched it to the end and dozed off again. I slept fitfully until 5 when I finally awakened for the day. I called Tom and told him I was awake if he wanted to call. He thankfully resolved his paycheck situation, so all is well where that is concerned. He said Meghan was up all night Friday, and spent the day with Kathy again. Kathy told him Meghan took a two hour nap for her, so I guess she was pretty tired. He said Meghan asked where I am daily and he tells her I will be home soon. I sure miss my sweetie.

I have Karina’s duds ready to put on her to take her “home” I don’t suppose the orphanage will give her a goodbye party of anything. I know some of the ladies will miss her. Prayerfully hoping today is the day I begin my life a Kara’s Mama.

12:15 PM

I walked to the orphanage with my heart aflutter; feeling nervous and uncertain because in America, there would be no way I could pick up a baby that I adopted without officials present, so I doubted that I could pick up Kara either, but I HOPED I could. I called Yelena on the way and got no answer, so I called her again a few minutes later, and again nothing. I called Alex and got no answer, so 5 minutes later I called Yelena and her son answered. (Cell phones did not work all that well in Vorzel) He gave the phone to Mama and I walked into the orphanage talking to her. I gave the phone to one of Karina’s caregivers and she spoke to Yelena, after a time she came out and gave me the phone back. Yelena had hung up, and the worker was trying to tell me that an on call doctor would be there soon. Someone went into the room and brought the doctors report out for me, so at least that is set (I hope).

They brought Karina out to me dressed and I knew there was no way I was getting my baby girl today, I just knew it. Still I was hoping I was waiting for a doctor to come and to sign a paper and let me take her, I was so nervous, and I sat there holding her while I waited. When the doctor arrived she went to Karina’s room, came out and was speaking to the older caregiver who loves Karina so much. They said to me No, and something in Russian, and NO, and I did not know what they were talking about. I tried repeatedly to call Yelena and I could not get a signal, I finally got through after 5-6 tries and gave them the phone.

Yelena spoke to me and said that the main doctor needed to sign papers in order for me to take Karina and the orphanage director had to sign them as well; I was still hoping she meant the main doctor would come and sign today, even though I knew that was ludicrous. So she said no Kristina, you cannot take the baby today because they are afraid she will get chicken pox…..I said I am in a place where there are no sick children, she said she told them that too.

Then she said I cannot take Kara this weekend and I got a little upset, and she replied defensively and I could hear yelling in the background that I had to wait, no choice. So they were very angry at me, I could the words over and over from the background, NO DIRECTOR NO CHILD, and then a flurry Russian or Ukrainian. I told Yelena; I know, I KNOW, no Kara this weekend. (Oh my heart was breaking, I wanted Kara out of the orphanage so much, I wanted her with me) Yelena said, you will have your baby on Monday, it is only 1 ½ days Kristina. I thought to myself that I had no reason whatsoever to believe this at that point. I was pretty upset because they said I could pick up Kara today, I would not have tried if I did not get the go ahead, I felt chagrined.

It all seems like a cruel game where I adopt, but never really get to get the child; and they make me live in Vorzel forever waiting and waiting. I feel like I am in an insane Twilight Zone episode. This did not have to happen at all. All anyone had to say was, "You will not pick up your daughter until it is time to get her passport, something you cannot do without her present". Communication is not a strong point here.

After my humiliation; I stayed at the orphanage a full 2 hours chasing Kara out of rooms, moving her away from the TV, and playing with and snuggling her. She walked 5 steps to me, I was so proud of her, my little angel. She was so happy with herself she was giggling and I was laughing too, one of the caregivers smiled at me with tenderness in her eyes, and they were all very kind to me, I know they felt my sadness over not being able to take my baby with me today.

Roma came over, hugged me, and sat in my lap with his arms around my neck.

This seemed to upset the caregivers; they scolded him and made him sit down by them. This little boy needs a family desperately. (2008 Little Roma's family will be in Ukraine in two days to adopt him, isn't it wonderful) Kara had gotten up and sat next to her caregiver for a time, she seems to care a lot about some of them; I know they will miss her and she them. It is good to see her attachment to the caregivers who take care for her.

Later I sat with Kara in front of the TV and rocked her. She was tugging on her ear, I think she may have an ear infection, poor baby; she seems to be afflicted with that wonderful part of Down syndrome which Meghan was blessedly spared from. She lay with her head on my shoulder and her thumb in her mouth and I rocked her to sleep, after a while she began to snore, and I lay my cheek on her soft hair and listened to her breathe. My baby, my new daughter, thank you dear God, I have a new daughter. I did not want to put her down, but I knew I needed to leave; it was noon. So reluctantly, I gave her to the staff and I left with tears in my eyes again. Sad and disappointed that once more I had to walk away from the orphanage without her.

I remembered the older gentleman telling me to walk with my head high and proud, so I tried not to walk back looking at my feet, I thought “These people probably think I suffer from Melancholia, I always seem sad when I return from the orphanage”. I am sad, it is almost a week since the 10-day wait was over, and I still have to leave my Kara there.

I am frustrated that what I say to our facilitation team and what they hear are often at odds with one another. I try to say; “Look, I am so disappointed I can’t get the baby today, all this week I was thinking, today is the day I pick up Kara, and then something prevented it” they say, "We are doing the best we can Kristina". I tell them there is no doubt that they are, but I am sad my baby is still at the orphanage. They think I am saying, “It is because of your failures that I do not have my baby”. This is not even close to being true, but to be honest, perhaps earlier it was when I was more or less ignorant of the process, but seeing it with my own two eyes has enlightened me to the difficulties faced in getting paperwork from the many different regions surrounding Kyiv.

What upsets and confuses me is my being told daily, “Tomorrow we get your baby” and then tomorrow never comes, and I told them this. To illustrate my frustration, this exchange shows the problems we are having with communication: Yelena told me “I have to go to social security and get a name change on that document on Monday, because today it is closed, but if you want me to come to Vorzel instead, I will come there to you and we will get your baby” I told her “We have no choice Yelena, you must get those papers on Monday, we need them for the passport” she says “Then it is your choice, if you say come for baby I will, or I will go for the paper”. Even though I repeat myself over and over that I KNOW she must get the social security paper changed to Kara’s new name, she keeps saying “It is your choice, either the paper, or the baby” I talk, she hears, but she is not listening to or understanding me. (I do know that they are upset with me though, I do GET that) I remember I had the same problem with Lidy, who was from Sweden, when I chaired Workout for Hope. We had so many problems communicating because culturally we could not express what we meant to each other adequately.

I know it is not ineptitude that puts these obstacles in the way of picking up Karina, it is bureaucracy of Ukraine, and the insane paper chase Yelena has to go on to get each document. After the day I spent with Yelena yesterday I can see that she spends too much time in the car driving and too much time in offices waiting to get the things she needs to complete this process.

However I often feel apprehensive over the time-frame and believe we will have a major issue getting Kara and I on a plane by next Saturday. Now I am at a point where I think: “Kris, what will be will be, no amount of anger or fretting will change this” So I am letting go and trusting that my journey is on the path it was meant to be on, and I will walk it with a little more patience and trust. What else can I do? What I expected from the beginning has changed so many times, from losing Oksana in a fluke referral, to losing Daria that second day here, to all the rest I noted previously. I have to learn, once and for all to go with the flow, and stop resisting it. I can and will get through each day and when I close my eyes to sleep, feel satisfied that everything happened as it was supposed to that day.

I have to remind myself that I am somewhere I never dreamed I would be, adopting a special little girl whom I love more each day. I need to remember that God is good. I am grateful to be here right now, experiencing everything associated with this adoption; the pleasure and the pain of it, the heartache and the joy; as in life, all unavoidable and necessary. This is how lasting memories are made.

I have no pictures from the orphange today either, I wanted to hold Kara, taking pictures was not something I had on my mind.

4:30 pm

Yelena met me at lunch, I shared some with her, and I think she often forgets to eat….we went another one of the orphanages on the street and Yelena talked to the on call doctor. She had me wait outside, she felt it would be easier without me I guess. While I waited out there I wandered around the compound and looked at statues. The door opened and I thought it was Yelena coming out, but it was two men talking, I relaized that one from Ukraine (by his accent), but the other American. I was shocked when I heard them conversing in English, it had been so long since I heard someone other than myself or Yelena, I almost did not comprehend what they were saying. They were missionaries talking about having a Christmas program at the orphanage. I wanted to say hello but they moved past me too quickly.

Yelena finally came out, I was freezing by then, the temperature was plummenting again, this crazy weather here. She convinced the doctor to let us take Kara to get her passport picture taken. The orphanage required that a caregiver come with us, the caregiver wanted to hold Kara in the car, but Kara wanted to be with Mama (that made me very happy, she is beginning to trust me more). We drove to the Irpen and found a Kodak place that takes photos for passports. Yelena and I took Kara inside and took off her outer clothing. Funny little Kara was hamming it up for the men, but she would not sit still or look at them, so they had me go over to get her attention. It worked, and we got her picture taken. Like all passport pictures, it is not one of her best, and she does look like a child with Down syndrome in it, interesting, I do not often see it in her or in either Meghan really.

After her picture, Yelena asked the caregiver to hold Kara while she and I looked for a stroller. I was so excited to finally get that stroller, I have been waiting to buy one since the second day we were in Ukraine, when the TRU stroller broke.

Yelena is a good shopper and found a good little umbrella stroller, I also found a bowl, spoon and fork, straw cup, scissors and nail clippers, 2 CD’s, a hat, socks, and a toy for 402 hyrvnias, which is $80 and some cents. It was actually a bargain from my perspective, after that we took Kara home to the orphanage where she left with the caregiver.

I thought Karina would be afraid in the car but she was giggling and really having fun, trying to see everything, looking at the cars going by, and out the window. Seems she may enjoy going on a plane, I hope she does not have an ear infection though, because that could really hurt on the long flight home.

I thought it was ironic that once I finally gave up control, what I wanted was happening, I was getting closer to having Kara with me. God truly is telling me something signifcant, but often I am too much of a dolt to stop fretting and actually listen. I so often feel that without my drive and control, nothing will get done, and of course it is not so.

Kara 2008

I was busy getting Kara's adoption story written and revised for the blog, and she stood beside me the entire time. She loved seeing herself in pictures, I think she recognizes the orphanage too, who knows though?

I have so many pictures of Kara with that blank stare on her face, I think it is a learned expression, for 6 weeks I saw hundreds of folks with the same expression, so actually smiling and and looking happy are something new for her. She often is laughing and playing, but the Ukraine stare remains with our sweetie.

She is pretty happy today despite having immunizations yesterday. She had to have boosters in DTAP, MMR, and Hep A. I told the doc, please save the otters for later. I really dislike exposing her to the mercury in those shots, honestly wish I did not have to, but I have seen the alternative with the diseases themselves and no thank you.

I took Kara to see her pediatrician because she looks puffy to me, she is also lethargic and seems to feel badly, but he did not find anything wrong. We both remembered her booster shots and neither was happy that she had to have them.

Kara's newest accomplishment is walking 90% of the time. She toddles, wide-stance, but she is turning, backing up, and reaching up to the counters for items she is not supposed to have. I think crawling will soon be a thing of the past for Kara, isn't that wonderful!

We have referrals for an ST and PT for her, waiting to hear something from DDD about it, we could sure use some prayers for this, we have waited 4 months for a PT to call.

Kara is doing great though, she is growing fast, and is such a joy in our lives.

I love her new pictures, still figuring out this new camera, I do not like how the flash washes out the girls faces, anyone know how to use a Fuji S1000?

12-06-07 Our adoption revisted

Day 29 in Ukraine ( 2008--The quote that reminds me of our Ukraine adoption and the issues that arose: " It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" Charles Dickens, Source: opening line of A Tale of Two Cities )
5:30 am
I slept poorly, my mind going over details and mulling over the conversation I had with our agency the night before. I had literally begged them to get Yelena moving on our paperwork, I wondered if anything was being done. Bottom line is, we did not pay enough for adopting close to Kyiv, everyone wanted more for fees, and our adoption fees are not covering everything, and that is a point of contention here. So from this point forward, families will be charged by region. I could not sleep so I read the adoption agreement again……it was one of the few things I have to read, and I think I am memorizing it. :o(
After my talking about wanting Kara here with me, it was mentioned that some orphanage directors will not release the child without the new birth certificate. It is unknown to me if that is the case with ours, but I don't have Kara's because Yelena has been busy, and since she is helping us out of the goodness of her heart, I simply cannot ask her to rush. I understand her need to do her things too, but I am so frustrated, it is not supposed to go this way. A facilitator is supposed to expedite the process, not delay it. (sigh)

I have tried to call my family for 30 minutes, I can't get through to them.

7:30 finally got through a little after 6

Tom and I discussed some issues about our fees and my running out of money here.

I literally begged people to donate towards our adoption and people who said they could help did not do it, one in particular had promised to help A LOT and would not answer phone calls when the time came, I was flabbergasted, it was one of my doctors, and he could have said he could not help any longer, but to avoid me? ( 2008 I have not been back to him, I can't reconcile the broken promise, I am tyring to forgive him, but feel that the broken promise shows his true character). So money we counted on did not come, and we came here with just enough money to make it through with the costs we were quoted, and in the end, we needed $3,000 more. Thank God we got the grant, or we would really be hurting right now.

Tom said he called our agency, they discussed the issues we were having, nothing was resolved. At least he got to say what he was thinking and how we were feeling about everything. (2008 this is not what I wrote, but I cannot share that due to confidentiality)

I am grateful to Yelena for what she has done, but I think in Ukraine gratitude can only be expressed in monetary terms, and I still have embassy fees, doctor visit, and my resort for 10 more days ( 2008 It was 14 more days) and Kara’s ticket home to pay for. I will not have a lot left to “express” my gratitude in that manner. This is all I want to say about this, it is depressing.

Personally, I wake up every day with a sore throat and a headache. I know I am allergic to the feather pillows they have here, and I am not sure how to get a different kind or if they even have them. All I know is, 10 more days of this and I will be very ill. ( 2008--I kept saying 10 more days because my flight out was scheduled for December 16th, I figured it was enough time for everything to be completed, 5 weeks seemed the average, but I was wrong)

Weather here is colder, but the rain we had for two days has washed away most of the snow we had the two days before that. The air is cold enough to make you wish you had a nose mitten, how do folks keep their noses warm here I wonder? I wonder what the weather will be like today? Not like I can turn on the TV and see.

10:00 getting ready for my morning visit to see Kara

Well, as boring as my life is currently; my little routines make it bearable. I took my shower, got dressed and went to breakfast. A welcome change from most of the week, they served cooked cabbage, mashed potatoes and a quiche with ham; and some what seems like English muffins smothered in Kefir. Of course they had the slice of cheese and the stale bread on the table too. I had two glasses of tea. I can’t eat all of the food they provide, and I have stopped trying because I want to lose 10 pounds like Tom did, he weight that much less once home, but he did not like the food, and I do, LOL.

It is already 10:00 and I have had no word from Yelena, and I would bet I won’t until she takes her friends to the airport. I do not know if she has done anything to get the birth certificate. All I can do is wait, and pray.

It is another misty morning; everything looks surreal on mornings like this. One of my favorite pastimes is watching the people emerge from the fog with their fuzzy hats on and their habitual frowns. Lately I have been amusing myself by smiling at them and nodding hello. It is almost always met with a frown of disapproval before they purposefully look away. I am getting used to it, but I always hope someone will say hello. Older women often do, men however, DO NOT. Maybe I am not supposed to say hello to a man; faux pas? Who knows; though I am sure I am breaking a lot of social rules without realizing it.

My family is asleep back at home, and I hope Tom is sleeping well, he is still recovering from jet lag; maybe this weekend will help him? He said he was met with a house full of dirty laundry, things were picked up, but not clean, and he has been cleaning. Which means everything will be dirtier than I like, and I will need to clean when I get home. He had to fix Julia’s roof, which sprung a leak while we were gone, turn on the furnace, get a new tire for my van, and find people to watch Meghan while he is at work. So far Eric, Fred, and Kathy G have taken care of her, I thought I would be home in time to watch her next week, but as I said before, that will not be happening now. Of course I am still sad about missing her 7th birthday, I hope she will not be too upset, I am not even sure if she misses me at all, but I know I miss her.

Said prayers this morning that everything would work itself out with the paperwork and passport, and I asked for patience, which usually means I am given a way to learn it, which may be why things happen the way they do. Ah oh!!

Off to exchange money for the next weeks stay and to visit my sweetie.

1:00 PM

Doesn’t she look sad?

Poor baby, so miserable today

Karina is sick; her snuffly nose has turned into a stuffy nose and malaise. She really was too tired to do much and reverted to her behaviors she exhibited the first day we were there.

She crawled to the TV and rocked herself; she crawled to the shelves and played in front of her favorite one. She pulled my hair, and all in all just pushed me away.

She finally came around after about 30 minutes and played and laughed for maybe 15 minutes then lay her head on the chair and began to suck her thumb. I tried to comfort her, but again she pushed me away.

So I picked her up and rocked her. She settled and fell asleep in my arms and I sat town to hold her as she slept. To feel the weight of her in my arms, feel her warmth next to mine, it was such a special time for me, Kara is not certain she trusts me completely, though she does know who I am now, and seems happy to see me. I relished our quiet time together, no caregivers lurking, no noisy kids around. Sadly I knew she would be woken up to eat, as it was close to noon. I was right; they took her at 12:10 and were trying to get her up so she could eat as they carried her to her room. Sometimes it is better to let sick kids eat when they are ready, poor baby needs to sleep.

While I was sitting there Alex called. He said Yelena was busy working on the birth certificate and I would likely not see her today. Today was the day she said we could get Kara, I asked him and he said today or tomorrow, and thanked me for my patience. The thing is, I am sadly running out of patience, I should have been able to pick up Kara 4 days ago, and I am still waiting, it is so hard to leave her at the orphanage everyday, heart wrenching. I felt tears spring to my eyes as he said tomorrow….it hung in the air, suspended for a moment, then faded away with my hopes of getting Karina here with me today. Perhaps it is just as well she stays where she is, we are both ill.

So I left the orphanage fighting back tears of anger, sadness, fatigue, and I admit I was having a pity party. Poor me, stuck here, missing so many family functions, hating that I can’t talk to a soul, and still I do not have my daughter. Tears ran unbidden down my cold cheeks; not for the first time since arriving here, and I wondered why I believed this trip would be about the joy of adding to my family. There is happiness; but it is mingled with irritation and some impatience, and I keep thinking that I will look back to the experience someday and cherish all the good and forget the numerous challenges, at least I hope so. Tom and I talked about the many bumps in the road and how many curves and u-turns we had to take to get to Ukraine, we both feel that long straight roads, mile after mile, are boring; it is the bumps and curves that make the trip more interesting, more memorable...

5:30 pm

I fell asleep for most of the afternoon, I was just exhausted in every way a person can be, but the sleep did help, so I am glad I skipped lunch, though I am starving. I do have that nap hangover from sleeping too long, and now I worry I will not sleep tonight. Oh well, I still feel exhausted, so maybe that will not be an issue. This cold-allergy attack is wearing me out, as is the stress I feel about everything right now.

I awakened to the sound of the phone ringing; I knew it had to be someone here, as no one calls in the middle of the afternoon from America. It was Yelena; she wanted to let me know that we need to go tomorrow for the new birth certificate. Music to my ears, oh, what a relief! Things are moving forward again.

She said we need the medical report from the doctor first, and asked me to walk to the orphanage to get it. So I hurriedly fixed my eye makeup because I had cried some of it off, and I walked there quickly, almost running, I knew the doctor left at 4:30 most days, I did not think she was still there, but I hoped she was. When I got there I saw that the doctor had already left; gosh, another delay, I wish I knew this morning that I needed her report. I called Yelena and told her and then found an orphanage worker to give the phone to. I am hoping she relayed the message about the medical report we need to the doctor.

I had not intended on visiting Karina tonight, I thought it would be better for her to rest in her bed for the rest of the day day; however they brought her out to me because of course I could not tell them not to, I am so frustrated that I can’t communicate with them well enough to have a conversation. Kara was cranky and crying when I came, and they wanted me to wipe her nose which made her even madder. I calmed her down while being glared at, I was perplexed, WHY were the caregivers glaring at me? The energy coming form them was so vile it made me physically ill. What ever was wrong?

I had to leave the orphanage at 5:00, I could not handle the negative energy coming off of the caregivers today, the head woman at night brings out the worst in people, and her laziness is contagious. There was a baby crying hysterically in the baby room and it was getting to me, all of the caregivers were sitting around laughing, talking, and watching TV, and that baby so unhappy, I could not fathom why they did not attend to his/her needs, they were not doing anything. I don’t think I can take another day at the orphanage, it breaks my heart to witness needless neglect, I walked back to the room pondering RAD and thinking, it is a wonder more kids adopted from Ukraine do not have it.

Something I find interesting is the way the ladies behave if Karina wants to go to them when I leave. They get this wild look of triumph like they have won because she went to them. For heaven sakes, I am a someone new in her life, and she often sees me for 3-4 hours a day, they are the only family she knows, why wouldn’t she want to be with people who can speak a language she understands and are familiar to her? I find the attitude puzzling and sometimes it makes angers me. I get the sense they think they are better for her than I, and THAT I can’t agree with. They are her life now, so she is comfortable there, but they are in no way better for my daughter than I and my family will be. In a year she will be in an institution, how in the world is that better?

A sweet older caregiver always looks surprised when Kara goes to her instead of me, I love her for it, she is a dear woman and she makes me feel welcome there. She was trying to tell me something today in Russian and she kept repeating it, but of course I did not know what she meant. She was holding Karina’s cheeks and pointing to her thumbs, I don’t know if she was saying Kara should not suck her thumb or that sucking her thumb made her cheeks red? Maybe she was telling me not to kiss her? I could invent a hundred reasons she felt she needed to tell me what she was telling me, but the truth is, I just do not know. Our agency asked me why I did not know the caregivers names, and the simple answer is, they will not tell me. I asked them Kak Va Zavut, and they just looked at me, after many attempts I gave up, if they do not wish to share their names with me, then I have to accept it. They call me Karina's Mama and did not want to know my name either, I tried "Mien ya zavut", many times, blank stares :o(. Most likely I have done something to upset them unknowingly, there is no one around to guide me and help me interact with them, so I probably do many things wrong.

I am relieved that things are finally moving forward for us; tomorrow we are supposed to go to the orphanage to get the medical report for translation. Yelena said that after we get the birth certificate, we may need to go to the passport office as well. They need to check our documents and make sure everything is in order before we can submit paperwork for the passport. They also require a sizable fee to expedite it, otherwise it could be another 10 days before I can get Kara's visa, and that puts us at December 25th to get the visa, this will not be possible because the embassy closes for the holidays, and I will not going to go home until January if the passport is not expedited. The fee they asked for was an absurd amount of money, shocking really. (sigh)

Finally, after all of this is completed, we are supposed to get Karina. I was told that the paper chase will be more difficult with her along, so it is best to leave her warm and safe in the orphanage and not in a speeding car in insane traffic.

My will, my wishes, have nothing to do with the reality of the matter, Kara will be released to me when Vorzel-the director, Yelena- who knows?? decide it is time to release her, and all I can do is try to be patient.

7:45 pm

I am still exhausted, falling asleep playing Spider solitaire and listening to Gloria Estefan’s greatest hits. I can’t decide if I am sick or just tired. I certainly do not feel well.

Dinner was grains and roast beef (a 2 inch square of meat is all you really ever get) one deviled egg, a pickle wedge, some unknown orange paste, kefir, a sweet dinner roll and tea. I ate all of it except the paste, it was nauseating to me. None of the teenagers said anything to me tonight; I think the adults told them to knock it off.

I met a man on the way back from the orphanage who was admonishing me for walking with my head down. I have no idea what he said to me, but he mimicked me and walked and lifted his chin and put his shoulders back and pointed to me. I guess I really looked despondent if someone here noticed. To be truthful I probably was a pathetic sight, I was so unhappy and this solitude is getting to me. I have tried to keep my chin up, but I am discouraged, I thought I would be coming home this weekend, and now it looks like I will be coming home on the 16th, just as I had originally believed. 9 more days here, and I have no choice because I cannot afford $80-100 a night for a hotel in Kiev, still need to pay for “fees” the Visa and medical exam for Kara. This is the only place I can be.

Note to all who want to adopt, make sure you arrange a good apartment at a good price; so far we have paid over $1,600 for our rooms, I pay another $270 tomorrow because I am paying for 10 days. I think people need to know it is a major expense too. We got a good deal here too, everywhere else was over $80 plus a night, and this place includes food. Though it excludes a TV, internet, access to shopping centers that actually gift items to take home. I thought I could buy some stacking dolls while here, but so far other than those 4 days in Kyiv, I have not seen any.

Kara's adoption revisted -12-03 12-04,and 12-05

From 12-03-07 Day 26 in Ukraine
2:00 PM
I could hardly sleep last night thinking today was the day we got Kara. I woke up at 5:00 am and tried to go back to sleep, but to no avail. I just could not settle my brain down. I called Yelena around 9:15 and she did not answer, so I called back about 45 minutes later. She sounded exhausted, apparently she took Elena and her husband to Odessa for the weekend. I do not think we are getting Karina today and probably not tomorrow either. She said she would try to get “paperwork done” and get the birth certificate we need for her release, I was pretty upset; I want to go home!! Even a days delay in gathering paperwork is too much, I am so homesick and want my daughter with me.

Tom seems really concerned about not having enough money to call twice a day. It costs $20 a day (100 grivnas LOL) to call me. I did not realize it was that much. I guess I better talk faster, or it will be $140 (700 grivnas) a week to talk to me; and that is too much. I will be home soon, and then he will never be around to talk to me anyway….he will be busy at work!

Went for my morning visit to see Kara; all the munchkins were outside playing, except Kara and a couple of others, the ladies said she was still inside, and I walked in after ringing the bell. The doctor told me to sit, the room was full of gifts, toys, clothes, a bike, two cribs, and other things. Everyone seemed very excited about it. The doctor asked me to take Kara outside in the garden. I thought she was asking if Kara was out there, so I said nyet, she looked confused, and then pointed to the door to Kara’s room and the door outside, and I said Oh, Ya Panimayu, and she smiled. They got Kara dressed and I took her outside without a stroller to put her in and holding my purse it was a challenge, but I managed to walk her around some. Finally a worker took pity on us and gave us a stroller. Whew, I could hang my purse off the back then. I kept all of my remaining money in my purse, and was afraid to sit it down.


I took Kara down the walk to the sun picture and she looked at it a little. I said solnishka, which means sunshine, close, but technically incorrect, I believe sun is Sol. I pointed to the eyes and nose and mouth and said the words in English. Kara laughed at that. She enjoyed looking at the picture, so she seems to be visual learner like Meghan. (Like many people with Down syndrome)

I pushed Kara a little more and noticed the sweet 2 year old with Down syndrome was outside too, I rolled Kara over and asked if I could take their picture together. They said I could take her picture, I was so happy to get a good look at her, she is a darling little girl, I don;t think she is available for adoption yet. I think they said her name was Marianna or Lilliana?

Little Marianna is a sweetheart, very social and happy; she can crawl and climb stairs, pulls to a stand and cruises. She has a smile that lights up a room, any parent would be ecstatic to have her for a daughter. She is farther along developmentally than Kara is in fact. The staff just said she was 2, I am not sure when her birthday is.
Here she is, she is usually smiling and happy, but I think she hates those bulky clothes as much as Kara does.

So I got a couple of pictures of her, I am hoping when I go back tonight I can take a few more of the other kids.

Roma helped me push Kara around, but little did I know that he pilfered my cell phone too, he took it out of my purse when I was pushing Kara with him. He was trying to call someone when the staff caught him; he is going to keep a family on their toes. He is a sweet little boy who desperately wants a family; he snuggles into a hug, and is affectionate with the staff (they spoil him). He can also be a stinker, but he is obedient when the staff tells him something. I hope a family is ready for him soon, he is already 4, but the director said he would keep him at the baby house until spring. Will that be enough time for a family to get things together to adopt him? I hope so

Kara after I brought her inside, she was so hot under all those clothes, her hair was plastered to her head.
5:15 pm
Yelena just left; she had a paper for me to sign so we can get Kara’s papers ready to get her passport. She has the documents we need to pick up Kara, and she was going to leave them with me, but she took it back and said she needed to come with me. Ugh, I am getting so impatient, but I understand that she needs to have all of her ducks in a row, so I will wait. Waiting is what I am good at. NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING TRUE.

If I got it straight; we need the letter to get the old birth certificate from a province in Kiev and then with that we can get the new birth certificate with our names on it, and Kara’s new name Kara Irina.

After that, we pick her up tomorrow, I hope I hope, and then we go get the passport, then we take that to the embassy and get Kara’s visa, and we can go home. (getting the passport, meaning, getting the paperwork in for it and waiting for it to be made) I did not say how many days it would be until that happens however.

If I can be on a plane for home by next Monday, I will be happy.

I did not get to go for my evening visit with Kara today. :o( I am going to the store to see if they have something that will fit her, the four stores here have very limited merchandise, one has only food, another is more like a general store without any food, the woman running that store refuses to wait on me, turns her back when I walk in, and ignores me, I am getting tired of her, I don't like going in her store, and the one down the road has both food and general merchandise. That store is a mess, kind of dirty, unwrapped doughnuts sitting on wood barrels, and opened packages of Pampers everywhere. They have three outfits, and all are too big for Kara, they are very cheaply made, rather thin material, not really something I want to get for Kara. I buy my minutes for the cell phone from Kiev Star there. I get a receipt with a code on it, and I enter that code, each card is 100 hryvnia ($20).

The last store is a bit down the road, it has luxury food items; caviar, chocolates, nice meats, I never buy anything there.

7:00 pm
Dinner is over, the red room was still full; I had a table to myself. There is always a place setting with mine, but no one ever sits there. I wonder who this mystery person is. Regardless, if they sat with me I would not be able to talk to them, so it is just as well they are not there when I am.

We had the ever present Cole slaw (kapoosta), I ate all of it, but I am dying for some broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots. I hope to eat a bunch once home. The buckwheat with the roast beef was served next. Also on the table was Kefir, yummy rolls with applesauce, but made like crescent rolls today, and tea (Chai) I did not have any trouble eating all of that. Kefir is good with a little sugar in it; I wonder what Dr S (my Naturopath) would say about all the wheat and dairy I have been consuming? I do continue to take my Wobenzyme to help digest everything.

I walked back to the room quickly and locked myself in. This living like a monk is interesting; I wonder if other adoptive parents feel completely cut off from the world they used to know? I know I certainly do. How will I feel when I return to my loud and busy world in another week?

12-04-07 Day 27 in Ukraine

I slept better last night; but I woke up feeling ill again, I am not al that certain I have a cold; I do think I am allergic to the feather pillows here. I took Esberitox and some garlic, Vitamin C, and allergy meds, let’s hope that helps me. I also took my Wobenzyme to be sure I can digest all the cheese I eat here.

Breakfast was Cole slaw, baked cheese (taplyonaye malako maybe) with a sweet cheese sauce (Kefir I am sure) poured over them, a huge hot dog, rice and gravy, and tea. There was also white cheese on a plate, but the mystery diner who shares my table with me left his/her spoon on it. No cheese for me!

I left my cell phone here as it was almost dead, so I was not certain if Yelena called or not, I called her as soon as I returned here. I had trouble getting though. Elena answered her phone and said they were on their way here right now, well the next town; but hopefully they have Kara’s things we need to pick her up today. Legally she is my daughter, I can’t leave her there anymore, I heard when I was in America that an orphanage was going to charge a family for leaving their child in there after the 10 days were up. I hope it does not happen to me. I want Kara with me so badly.
(12-06-08) One of the reasons I celebrated Kara's smiles so much when she got home, you can see when I visted her in the orphanage, she rarely smiled. She paid attention to me, hugged me, and smiled when we were being silly, but she did not have a social smile with me at all. Probably wondering what in the world I was saying to her.

2:45 pm
I went to see silly Karina this morning, I think she was happy to see me; she crawled all over me and hugged me, and giggled a lot. Though I tried; I could not capture the gleeful looks on camera, nyet, as soon as she sees it, she stops smiling. She has the snuffles (not sniffles) again.

She may have to stay at the orphanage a few more days because Yelena is reluctant to subject Karina to long car rides and long waits for paperwork. I am very impatient to get Karina here with me, at least for a few days so she can get used to be alone with me before we leave for Tucson. Can you imagine her traveling in airplane for 16 hours after just leaving the orphanage? Egads, poor girlie, that would be too traumatic, but the orphanage doctor has not even done Kara’s medical file, so we will have to wait anyway ( 2008--Turns our that was not the delay. it was the Birth Certificate).

( 12-2008 can you believe the snow melted so quickly?)

A misty walk to the orphanage today, it was interesting to see the people materialize from the fog, it is rainy and wet outside, somewhat warmer, snow is melting yet again, and our favorite puddle has re-emerged. Meghan would love walking around here today, splashing in every puddle she could find!

Yelena, Elena, and her husband came over to get me from the orphanage and we drove to the office to get paperwork for Kara’s new birth certificate. Yelena had paid the woman to stay late yesterday, and when she got back, the woman was gone. So she paid her today to do it again (I find it interesting that some Americans say adoptions can happen without extra "fees", how, wonder?) It was nice to speak to people who spoke English; I am so homesick for people who can communicate with me. Elena and her husband bought a gift for Karina, a snow suit, hat and scarf (exactly like the hat I bought here in Vorzel) and some sweet snow boots. She will be warm in those! I am very grateful for their help. They are having issues finding a stroller for her though; I know I will end up in Kiev buying and overpriced one. I cannot fly alone with Kara without a stroller.

We went to the office of records (I guess that is what they are called) and there was a sign on the door saying they were not open today; well not to be deterred yet again. Yelena kept pounding on the door until someone finally opened it, 15-20 minutes later a woman came out and Yelena stuck her foot in the space left behind and pushed her way in, I followed her. We went in and she started writing the letter requesting the new birth certificate one more time; she had already torn up two of them and started over, it had to be written in Ukrainian. I wondered why I had to be there for that bit of paperwork, but it seems that the woman had to see me sign the letter in order for her to do her own paperwork.

I think she finished her part and now we need to get the other region to get the new birth certificate. I think Yelena will pick me up tomorrow for that, at least I hope so.

Seems we are getting the birth certificate and passport before I can get Kara from the orphanage, I am pretty upset about this, and I think I will insist she come here with me after we get her new birth certificate.

The mystery diner showed up at my table today. He is a Ukrainian man who has been working in Cuba for the last 3 years. He is from Vorzel and has come home. He speaks some Spanish, a little English, French, Ukrainian, and Russian. With what little Spanish I can speak, and a lot of laughing we managed to communicate. He had asked to see pictures of the kids tonight, but he goes to dinner much later than I.

8:00 pm
I was lucky to be able to go back to the orphanage for an afternoon visit. Karina had just eaten but she was also still tired for her nap, and she had been crying too. She was better after I rocked her a little, then we sat on the chairs and sofa, mostly on the floor. She played with the diaper wipes package for a while, then a piece of paper. Thankfully the entire staff left us alone the entire time. Karina would crawl away to see something, then come back giggling and jumped in my arms, I hope this means she is getting used to the idea that I am going to be her new mama. She is also saying mama when I cuddle her, wishful thinking, but I hope it means she knows I am her mama.

She took a few steps towards me and giggled the whole time, she really is a sweet little girl. I am beginning to love the little munchkin. I took a bunch of pictures, but that elusive smile still hides from the camera. However she is getting a more expressive face, and that “dead” look is slowly being replaced with one of curiosity. She is also learning what a camera does, and enjoys seeing herself after I take her picture, Today she kissed her picture; then she licked the camera… (Laughing) We played catch, well she threw a stuffed animal at me and I threw it back, and she walked holding on to my hands a little. She certainly crawls better than Meghan did; I wonder if it means she will learn some things easier than my sweet Meghan? (Who I miss desperately and she will NOT talk to me on the phone)

I walked to the store tonight, I ran out of TP, and I wanted a bottle of water, I like the big bottles, but I want to carry a bottle with me. I was pretty dark and misty outside, I had trouble seeing where I was going.

12-05-07 Day 28 in Ukraine

10:00 am
Tom called this morning, he wanted to let me know that we are kind of broke at home. Apparently he has already spent $80 calling me on Skype. Ugh, the reality of home, I am just not ready for the financial part of it. I have enough to worry about here.

Breakfast was a bleak affair; Cole slaw again, I only ate a few bites, it was a few days old by texture and taste, and I could not stomach that. Noodles and a meatball, maybe pork and veal, and some very lumpy but tasty Cream of Wheat, there was also some white cheese and tea. My co-diner had already eaten and was gone; I wonder if I will ever see him again?

I called Yelena this morning, not to sit around and wait, I needed to know if she was planning on getting that new birth certificate. I want to go home so badly, I want to see my kids and Tom, even though he has only been gone a week. I miss my sweet Meghan, and so want to hug her. I am sure Julia has a million things to say to me, and I miss her too, I want to talk to her! I want to see what she is wearing to school, and want to see her concert.

Since we have been here I missed celebrating my birthday with my family, and sometimes it is the only time I see all the boys together. I also missed Thanksgiving, and that special time with my sons and Julia. I could not see Brian and Marcus in Much Ado about Nothing, and now it looks like I will miss Meghan’s birthday too. I am also missing Julia’s holiday choral performance. I so want to be back with all of them, I want to talk to my sisters and my brothers and to my dear friends Becky and Kathy, and I want them to meet Kara. (I wonder if I still have a job too)

I want to walk in my own garden, and to plant the memorial roses for Sharon, Perlie, and Deanie. I want to decorate my house for Christmas and shop for presents for my children. Please God, I just want to go home, this has been such a lonely experience for me, the only highlight is seeing my Kara, but I can only see her twice daily, and only for 3-4 hours.

I know my being here adopting this little sweetie is a miracle. 5 years ago November 9th I found a lump in my breast after I got over a breast infection. 5 years ago my life changed, and cancer entered it again; breast cancer would prove to be one of the greatest challenges of my life (it took my mothers life when she was 45), and the most life altering. Still, I am sitting here in Ukraine typing this journal; and I am ALIVE and even though I am not as fit as I once was, and certainly not as thin, I am thankfully alive and feeling well. God has led me to a new daughter who I will love and cherish, and I know she will enrich our lives. BUT please God, I want to get home to my family, please help the people that have the power to make that happen soon open their hearts and want to help Kara get home to Tucson.

It is 10:15, time to go visit my Kara. I wonder if she will be in a good mood today.

12:50 pm
I went to see Kara this morning, and to try on her things she will wear when she leaves the orphanage, hopefully THIS WEEK. The snow suit is a little large, but it is OK. The snow boots are a few sizes too large too. The outfit I brought for Daria will fit Kara, I thought a size 3T would be too large, but it works. I did see her little booty today checking for a mess, she is really a tiny thing, kind of skinny. I am glad her diapers will take up some room on her, I think all her pants would fall off otherwise, which may be why she always wears tights and dresses.

I did buy her some shoes from the only place here that sells them; the corner market. I got size 19, and they fit, but won’t for very long. They were a whole 35g, which is roughly $7.50? (I am sitting here wishing I remembered Algebra better, if one hundred g is equal to $20, then how many US dollars are equal to 35g?)

Kara’s mood was whiny today, in fact she did not want me to take off her new shoes, so I left them on her, and then she whined to have them off, I think the tights were on her feet wrong, so I took them off for a bit, later she went back and got them and whined to have them put back on. I think she was pretty pleased with them.

She certainly was not as affectionate today, somewhat pensive; maybe a little sad? I don’t think she feels very well though. She was talking to herself and smiling at what she was saying, I captured the end of one of those smiles.

It is almost time for lunch, sad that my life revolves around eating and walking to see Kara, I will never complain of being bored at home again. At least I get Kara cuddles (when she is in the mood anyway)

7:00 pm
I did not hear from Yelena at all today, I think this is the last day her friends are here, I am disappointed that we did not get some paperwork done, but I understand her wanting to be with them, at least logically, emotionally, I am pretty upset it is keeping me here another day.

I went for my afternoon visit with Kara; I arrived around 4:15. I brought some more things to try on her, she is definitely in a size 3T in some things; I think she has longer arms than Meghan did at her age. Brought some City Sidewalk for her, and it fit her great, though she will wear her blue velour yoga suit (gosh the line is escaping me, my Gymbo pals would cringe tee hee) out of the orphanage with her new snow suit Elena and her husband bought for her. She loves her new shoes, at least for today. She seems very proud of them, and the staff is happy to se her wearing them too.

We played again, but the staff was watching and would sometimes say something and giggle.It is a little unsettling for folks to look at you and laugh, what were they saying, were they laughing with Kara and I or at us?

Check out Kara trying to take the camera from me

She started crying today after I fed her a banana. I have to say that she is going to have to unlearn a lot of bad eating behaviors. She sucked the banana and sometimes got huge chunks which she gulped down with tears in her eyes, and she grunted to get more as soon as she swallowed. She ate an entire banana in less than 3 minutes, despite my efforts to slow her down some. She was mad because she wanted more and of course I only had the one banana. So she began to cry, I picked her up and was comforting her when the workers came rushing out of her room and into the main one. They said “Paka paka Mama, and started to take her away. I said “Harasho” and held out my arms, Karina went back to me, but they said, “Mama, paka, Karina yest, paka mama.”, and asked her to come back to them. I showed them the banana and when Kara saw it, she began to cry. The staff made gestures like Karina was a quick eater and a piggy, which I agree with. They took her anyway, and left me standing there alone at only 5:30. I was upset, Karina and I were not ready to say goodbye, and they took her with her new tuflees, so I opened the door and said “Karina’s tufless?” and they older woman brought them to me. I walked back to the room very slowly; in fact, I was just in time to go to dinner when I arrived.

Dinner was smoked raw fish which I eschewed and Cole slaw, mashed potatoes and beef, a dinner roll and Kefir. I also had two glasses of tea. My table mate was no where to be seen. There are a group of teenagers here, and they sit in the red room with me. They have been saying hello in English to me, but then they start laughing and giggling to one another, so I must be the butt of some joke, ah, teenagers, good to hear English though?

Some older ladies asked if they could drink my tea, I don’t need a whole pot so I said yes, when I left I gave it to them. I wish I could have said “Here is my tea, I am leaving” but I just gestured, they begin to speak to me, I said “Ya ne Panimayu” and they said "the American", one of them saluted. They had kind eyes at least, I so wish could have a conversation with someone, AAC thinks it is better for me to be sheltered out here, but I am dying of loneliness and now I am going to have to call Yelena and ask her to hurry and to PLEASE get me home. with her friends are leaving, maybe we can gather what we need for Kara's passport now.