Adoption 2007-December 7 and 8

Quote for this post: Aequanimitas!

Be calm and strong and patient. Meet failure and disappointment with courage. Rise superior to the trials of life, and never give in to hopelessness or despair. In danger, in adversity, cling to your principles and ideals.

~ Sir William Osler

December 7 --5:25 pm

I just returned from Kyiv, and no, we did not get Kara today, nor did I get to visit her, I wonder if she is feeling better from her cold?

One month ago today we were on a plane an on our way here. Here I am sitting in my room in Vorzel after a long day with Yelena, we went to get the birth certificate, which was accomplished fairly easily from my point of view, but Yelena had already put 2 days into that before I came with her to pick it up. Then the young gal giving it to her said we needed to get two more stamps on it to make it valid, one was on the other side of Kyiv, then we had to come all the way back for the last one. Now if you have driven though Kyiv, you will understand that going through town is not accomplished easily, traffic is insanely busy, and what should take 30 minutes takes almost 2 hours during heavy times. I would not call it driving actually, but sitting at stop lights for an hour at a time. officially 2.7 million people live here (but adding the folks in surrounding communities, there are 6 million souls who visit daily), and even with their wide roads, there are still too many cars sharing them. I thought Tucson traffic was bad, not any longer, we are such a tiny city compared to Kyiv.

We finally got to the second office to get the first stamp and were told that we needed to come back at 3:00 pm, it was only 12:30, and we needed to get that other stamp after this, oh no! So Yelena and I walked to a mall and got some lunch. I ordered a salad, now when I get a salad at home, it is a huge bed of mixed greens with lots of veggies, in Ukraine, it is iceberg lettuce, tired tomatoes, tiny bits of chicken and that was it. I ordered a Chicken Caesar Salad, but theirs was a little different. I was dying for a nice salad too.

We window shopped and were both shocked at the prices on furniture there. I did get a kick out of the camelback sofa set with gold painted finish complete with wooden crowns affixed to the back. I wished I had my camera to take a picture. I believe the set was 60, 000 hryvnias. Wow, honestly, who would have a set like that in their tiny home here? The sofa would have completely filled my tiny room. There are a lot of things available in Ukraine that are made in China, I don't know why, but I thought it was depressing, I wanted to buy exclusively "Made in Ukraine" items. I did not buy anything from that mall, everything, like malls everywhere, was overpriced.

We walked back to the office to get that stamp at 3:00, but they were not ready for us, so we sat and waited another 45 minutes while a line formed behind us. By the time we left, it was too late to get across town for that third stamp, so we went to the passport office. We went in and they checked our documents and let Yelena know which documents we were missing. I am nervous about the sign I saw on the door of the passport office; it read that they are open on Tuesday and Thursday for just a few hours each day. I am worried about the time frame in getting the Visa in time, I hope the expedition fee I just handed Yelena to get the passport more quickly will help, because we need to get to the embassy by Wednesday to get the Visa by Friday. Otherwise, I miss my flight, and I will not be leaving next week.

Praying everything works out.

Yelena and I had a nice talk and I enjoyed my day away from the monastery, I am figuring out that you want to limit drinking anything while out and about in Kyiv, I was ready to have an accident by the time I got home, finding a public restroom is not easy either, thank goodness I used one at the mall, or I would have been in terrible trouble. Depends anyone?

6:45 pm
I just got off the phone with Tom, and TUSD docked his pay for the time he was gone, he said the office manager did it wrong, she was supposed to take his sick pay first and then his personal days, but they took his personal days and when they ran out, they docked his pay. He also did not get any of the bonuses he was supposed to get this pay check. He said he would not be able to talk to me until tomorrow morning, but no way am I sleeping until I know what s going to happen.

I am praying that everything works out, he is already stressed enough.

I am going to bed early, I am exhausted, had a busy day and I was up at 5:00.

12-08-2007

(12-08-2008- I was not at all certain I would share what transpired on this day on my blog, I went over and over it in my mind and prayed about it, in the end, I feel it is better to keep it honest for Kara and for anyone who may be reading this.

I want to say that even though I was frustrated with the process and the miscommunication that was so prevalent, I was not truly unhappy with my facilitation team, our interchange illustrated a cultural difference in thought processes and some frustration on both ends, but after all, we are all only human, right?

It was more difficult for Tom who could only understand that Kara was still in the orphanage, and that I had called him again crying because I did not have her with me.

Thing to know about me is, I am a very emotional person, I laugh easily and I cry just as easily. I feel everything very deeply and I am also empathic and read body language extremely well (that can be a curse, believe me). I knew Yelena was doing the best she could for us and she was not happy about the delays either, she had to leave for America on the 15 of December and needed to complete our adoption before she left, if you recall, there were no other facilitators available for our adoption, which is why Yelena agreed to help us, it was not a job she had ever done in it's entirety. She learned while doing, and mistakes were inevitable. I know that neither one of us believed it was possible to get Kara and I on the plane to America on the 16 any longer, we still had to much to do. Like getting the passport...

Let me make it clear, I was and I am still very fond of Yelena, I miss hearing her voice and I often wish I could talk to her again, but I have not heard from her at all since she left Ukraine for America with the exception of messages sent via a couple of adoptive parents. My emails to her were returned undeliverable. We develop a bond with people and we want to continue the friendship, but often friendships are situational, and I suppose this was true of ours.)

7:45 AM

I had such a restless nights sleep; I have in hand the adoption decree and want to pick up Karina today, but all night I had dreams of them telling me I could not. I awoke at 12:30 am and could not sleep, so I started the movie over; then I awoke at 3:00 am and started it from the middle, watched it to the end and dozed off again. I slept fitfully until 5 when I finally awakened for the day. I called Tom and told him I was awake if he wanted to call. He thankfully resolved his paycheck situation, so all is well where that is concerned. He said Meghan was up all night Friday, and spent the day with Kathy again. Kathy told him Meghan took a two hour nap for her, so I guess she was pretty tired. He said Meghan asked where I am daily and he tells her I will be home soon. I sure miss my sweetie.

I have Karina’s duds ready to put on her to take her “home” I don’t suppose the orphanage will give her a goodbye party of anything. I know some of the ladies will miss her. Prayerfully hoping today is the day I begin my life a Kara’s Mama.

12:15 PM

I walked to the orphanage with my heart aflutter; feeling nervous and uncertain because in America, there would be no way I could pick up a baby that I adopted without officials present, so I doubted that I could pick up Kara either, but I HOPED I could. I called Yelena on the way and got no answer, so I called her again a few minutes later, and again nothing. I called Alex and got no answer, so 5 minutes later I called Yelena and her son answered. (Cell phones did not work all that well in Vorzel) He gave the phone to Mama and I walked into the orphanage talking to her. I gave the phone to one of Karina’s caregivers and she spoke to Yelena, after a time she came out and gave me the phone back. Yelena had hung up, and the worker was trying to tell me that an on call doctor would be there soon. Someone went into the room and brought the doctors report out for me, so at least that is set (I hope).

They brought Karina out to me dressed and I knew there was no way I was getting my baby girl today, I just knew it. Still I was hoping I was waiting for a doctor to come and to sign a paper and let me take her, I was so nervous, and I sat there holding her while I waited. When the doctor arrived she went to Karina’s room, came out and was speaking to the older caregiver who loves Karina so much. They said to me No, and something in Russian, and NO, and I did not know what they were talking about. I tried repeatedly to call Yelena and I could not get a signal, I finally got through after 5-6 tries and gave them the phone.

Yelena spoke to me and said that the main doctor needed to sign papers in order for me to take Karina and the orphanage director had to sign them as well; I was still hoping she meant the main doctor would come and sign today, even though I knew that was ludicrous. So she said no Kristina, you cannot take the baby today because they are afraid she will get chicken pox…..I said I am in a place where there are no sick children, she said she told them that too.

Then she said I cannot take Kara this weekend and I got a little upset, and she replied defensively and I could hear yelling in the background that I had to wait, no choice. So they were very angry at me, I could the words over and over from the background, NO DIRECTOR NO CHILD, and then a flurry Russian or Ukrainian. I told Yelena; I know, I KNOW, no Kara this weekend. (Oh my heart was breaking, I wanted Kara out of the orphanage so much, I wanted her with me) Yelena said, you will have your baby on Monday, it is only 1 ½ days Kristina. I thought to myself that I had no reason whatsoever to believe this at that point. I was pretty upset because they said I could pick up Kara today, I would not have tried if I did not get the go ahead, I felt chagrined.

It all seems like a cruel game where I adopt, but never really get to get the child; and they make me live in Vorzel forever waiting and waiting. I feel like I am in an insane Twilight Zone episode. This did not have to happen at all. All anyone had to say was, "You will not pick up your daughter until it is time to get her passport, something you cannot do without her present". Communication is not a strong point here.

After my humiliation; I stayed at the orphanage a full 2 hours chasing Kara out of rooms, moving her away from the TV, and playing with and snuggling her. She walked 5 steps to me, I was so proud of her, my little angel. She was so happy with herself she was giggling and I was laughing too, one of the caregivers smiled at me with tenderness in her eyes, and they were all very kind to me, I know they felt my sadness over not being able to take my baby with me today.

Roma came over, hugged me, and sat in my lap with his arms around my neck.

This seemed to upset the caregivers; they scolded him and made him sit down by them. This little boy needs a family desperately. (2008 Little Roma's family will be in Ukraine in two days to adopt him, isn't it wonderful) Kara had gotten up and sat next to her caregiver for a time, she seems to care a lot about some of them; I know they will miss her and she them. It is good to see her attachment to the caregivers who take care for her.

Later I sat with Kara in front of the TV and rocked her. She was tugging on her ear, I think she may have an ear infection, poor baby; she seems to be afflicted with that wonderful part of Down syndrome which Meghan was blessedly spared from. She lay with her head on my shoulder and her thumb in her mouth and I rocked her to sleep, after a while she began to snore, and I lay my cheek on her soft hair and listened to her breathe. My baby, my new daughter, thank you dear God, I have a new daughter. I did not want to put her down, but I knew I needed to leave; it was noon. So reluctantly, I gave her to the staff and I left with tears in my eyes again. Sad and disappointed that once more I had to walk away from the orphanage without her.

I remembered the older gentleman telling me to walk with my head high and proud, so I tried not to walk back looking at my feet, I thought “These people probably think I suffer from Melancholia, I always seem sad when I return from the orphanage”. I am sad, it is almost a week since the 10-day wait was over, and I still have to leave my Kara there.

I am frustrated that what I say to our facilitation team and what they hear are often at odds with one another. I try to say; “Look, I am so disappointed I can’t get the baby today, all this week I was thinking, today is the day I pick up Kara, and then something prevented it” they say, "We are doing the best we can Kristina". I tell them there is no doubt that they are, but I am sad my baby is still at the orphanage. They think I am saying, “It is because of your failures that I do not have my baby”. This is not even close to being true, but to be honest, perhaps earlier it was when I was more or less ignorant of the process, but seeing it with my own two eyes has enlightened me to the difficulties faced in getting paperwork from the many different regions surrounding Kyiv.

What upsets and confuses me is my being told daily, “Tomorrow we get your baby” and then tomorrow never comes, and I told them this. To illustrate my frustration, this exchange shows the problems we are having with communication: Yelena told me “I have to go to social security and get a name change on that document on Monday, because today it is closed, but if you want me to come to Vorzel instead, I will come there to you and we will get your baby” I told her “We have no choice Yelena, you must get those papers on Monday, we need them for the passport” she says “Then it is your choice, if you say come for baby I will, or I will go for the paper”. Even though I repeat myself over and over that I KNOW she must get the social security paper changed to Kara’s new name, she keeps saying “It is your choice, either the paper, or the baby” I talk, she hears, but she is not listening to or understanding me. (I do know that they are upset with me though, I do GET that) I remember I had the same problem with Lidy, who was from Sweden, when I chaired Workout for Hope. We had so many problems communicating because culturally we could not express what we meant to each other adequately.

I know it is not ineptitude that puts these obstacles in the way of picking up Karina, it is bureaucracy of Ukraine, and the insane paper chase Yelena has to go on to get each document. After the day I spent with Yelena yesterday I can see that she spends too much time in the car driving and too much time in offices waiting to get the things she needs to complete this process.

However I often feel apprehensive over the time-frame and believe we will have a major issue getting Kara and I on a plane by next Saturday. Now I am at a point where I think: “Kris, what will be will be, no amount of anger or fretting will change this” So I am letting go and trusting that my journey is on the path it was meant to be on, and I will walk it with a little more patience and trust. What else can I do? What I expected from the beginning has changed so many times, from losing Oksana in a fluke referral, to losing Daria that second day here, to all the rest I noted previously. I have to learn, once and for all to go with the flow, and stop resisting it. I can and will get through each day and when I close my eyes to sleep, feel satisfied that everything happened as it was supposed to that day.

I have to remind myself that I am somewhere I never dreamed I would be, adopting a special little girl whom I love more each day. I need to remember that God is good. I am grateful to be here right now, experiencing everything associated with this adoption; the pleasure and the pain of it, the heartache and the joy; as in life, all unavoidable and necessary. This is how lasting memories are made.

I have no pictures from the orphange today either, I wanted to hold Kara, taking pictures was not something I had on my mind.

4:30 pm

Yelena met me at lunch, I shared some with her, and I think she often forgets to eat….we went another one of the orphanages on the street and Yelena talked to the on call doctor. She had me wait outside, she felt it would be easier without me I guess. While I waited out there I wandered around the compound and looked at statues. The door opened and I thought it was Yelena coming out, but it was two men talking, I relaized that one from Ukraine (by his accent), but the other American. I was shocked when I heard them conversing in English, it had been so long since I heard someone other than myself or Yelena, I almost did not comprehend what they were saying. They were missionaries talking about having a Christmas program at the orphanage. I wanted to say hello but they moved past me too quickly.

Yelena finally came out, I was freezing by then, the temperature was plummenting again, this crazy weather here. She convinced the doctor to let us take Kara to get her passport picture taken. The orphanage required that a caregiver come with us, the caregiver wanted to hold Kara in the car, but Kara wanted to be with Mama (that made me very happy, she is beginning to trust me more). We drove to the Irpen and found a Kodak place that takes photos for passports. Yelena and I took Kara inside and took off her outer clothing. Funny little Kara was hamming it up for the men, but she would not sit still or look at them, so they had me go over to get her attention. It worked, and we got her picture taken. Like all passport pictures, it is not one of her best, and she does look like a child with Down syndrome in it, interesting, I do not often see it in her or in either Meghan really.

After her picture, Yelena asked the caregiver to hold Kara while she and I looked for a stroller. I was so excited to finally get that stroller, I have been waiting to buy one since the second day we were in Ukraine, when the TRU stroller broke.

Yelena is a good shopper and found a good little umbrella stroller, I also found a bowl, spoon and fork, straw cup, scissors and nail clippers, 2 CD’s, a hat, socks, and a toy for 402 hyrvnias, which is $80 and some cents. It was actually a bargain from my perspective, after that we took Kara home to the orphanage where she left with the caregiver.

I thought Karina would be afraid in the car but she was giggling and really having fun, trying to see everything, looking at the cars going by, and out the window. Seems she may enjoy going on a plane, I hope she does not have an ear infection though, because that could really hurt on the long flight home.

I thought it was ironic that once I finally gave up control, what I wanted was happening, I was getting closer to having Kara with me. God truly is telling me something signifcant, but often I am too much of a dolt to stop fretting and actually listen. I so often feel that without my drive and control, nothing will get done, and of course it is not so.